This isn’t about politics. This is about friendship. 

Before I dive in I want to clarify that when we look at friendship we have to understand that different people have different definitions and understanding of the word.  I view friendship as something sacred. Friendship, for me, is a deep desire to understand, know, and celebrate someone else.  I know that not everyone views friendship that way.  Yes, I can be friends with someone and not know them, but I’m not friends with people that I don’t want to know. People who don’t seem to feel the same way inadvertantly hurt me.  I realize this is my perspective, my hurt, and not yours. However, it’s hard for me to consider someone a friend if they don’t even want to know me.  How can you consider me a friend if you aren’t interested in understanding, knowing, or seeing me as me?

While this is my view of friendship, I want to explain why I have this view.   I grew up being the weird one and because of this, I have invested a lot of time, energy, and effort into friendships. Friendships have always been difficult for me so when I’m friends with someone, I try to invest in them. I take the time to understand them and know them and I want to do those things. There are times when that gets really difficult (like when my mental health isn’t in the best place) but it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to know them, just that either my brain or my energy levels aren’t in a place for me to be able to ask the questions I need to to better understand.

Complications with Friendship

And that’s the problem that I have with friendships because when I want to know you deeply, I ask questions to better understand. AND I understand when you don’t have the ability to do that, because compassion fatigue is real. (Let me know if you want to know more about that.) This dynamic sets up a challenging dynamic with people who aren’t interested in getting to know me in the same way.  Of course, sometimes we just click with each other, and those are some of my favorite friends.  Some people seem to feel understood around me, but for those who don’t understand me, I don’t usually get the same questions and responses. The friendships that I have had the honor of having were more complicated, and it took more work to understand each other.  Those have been the most rich, vibrant, and fulfilling relationships I’ve ever had.  

Some of those deep and incredible relationships I’ve experienced have been mortally wounded with very little hope of regaining what we once had.  Admittedly, some of that is my own fault.  I have tried and tried and tried to understand, and have either come to terms with the idea that we won’t be able to be friends with each other because of fundamental differences, or (more often) the relationship was more about me trying to understand and them not caring to even try. It’s especially hard to be friends with people who support the current administration because at least in my experience, after 9 years of these antics, the same arguments, the same discussions they aren’t interested in hearing or understanding people who think differently than them.  They genuinely cannot see the world as I do. 

Taking sides

So often when I challenge peoples beliefs I’m automatically labeled “Leftist” or “MAGA.” It’s infuriating because while my values and beliefs lean left, I am not “for the left.” You don’t have to convince me of how misaligned and corrupt the Democrats are.  I believe that no one in the elected government are working for us and havn’t been for years. Both the left and the right rebut my frustrations with “Well look at what the other side did!!”  I am too busy reading the executive orders that are hitting us like a fire hose. The bills being passed in red states that make it illegal for ADULTS to exist, or to be who they want to be. The overreach that makes it “illegal” for citizens to speak out against their government.  

The hypocrisy on both sides stings my nose with the smell of putrid vomit when I see it, but I also know – objectively that it IS worse on the right.  It is worse because of the blatancy of it, the situations where the death eaters have stepped out of the shadows and we can now see exactly what they’re all about – and yet they hold other people to standards that they don’t even remotely seem to stakes, because of the inhumanity of the republican policies, it’s worse because history is repeating itself.  So yes, I do choose sides. 

The stakes are higher now – and I don’t want to be on the wrong side of history. 

I have studied how a society like Germany could devolve into the heinous acts of the holocaust for decades and I assure you that this IS how the holocaust started. We live in a country with a First Amendment right to protect our right to express ourselves. This abuse of power is how the holocaust started, believe it or not, it wasn’t about hate at first.  Please don’t misunderstand, The nazi party hated what they didn’t understand purely and indisputably, but the actions they took – it wasn’t about “hate”  – it was about control. The book burnings, the violence against non-conformity, and the kidnapping and killing of people who disagreed with them. 

The nazis seized control by limiting the ability of their citizens to express themselves and it STARTED with easy targets – like the minority populations and groups that couldn’t rally the support to defend themselves against majority groups who believed the propaganda.  And it took root and grew because good people stood by and watched it happen.  After all, it didn’t affect them. 

I digress this was not the point of this blog. 

I spent years deepening my understanding of history, psychology, and sociology. For better or worse, this understanding is now a core reason as to why we cannot continue to be friends. Its not a political thing. Let me explain. I am no longer safe, my children and loved ones are no longer safe with you.  My friends deserve to know about the things the things I see, the injustices.  I care about whether my friends will have to deal with the reprecussions. I’m extremely passionate about all of this. I don’t ever believe that friends are required to rally to my aid, join a protest, or stay silent and not disagree. I do believe that if you can’t hear what I have to say, how I feel, or what I believe then we should not be friends.

Additionally, by telling me you don’t care, it’s telling me that you don’t care about my personal safety. So again, how can we be friends? There are real concerns around whether my criticism of the government could mean I could go to jail. Fears that my mental illnesses could mean I get systemically eliminated. What’s more, people I love could be victims of this, people like you. If you aren’t even interested in hearing me on issues that affect you directly is it worth my time? If you can’t even find the effort to try to understand my worries, can I call you a friend? You say you care about me. You want to be friends. Iknow, with no question, that I would stand up for your right to be who you are. The question is, would you stand up for mine? 

So, what is friendship to you?

Friendship to me is compassion, love, understanding, empathy. It is also about taking the time to understand someone to listen when they are hurting or scared.  I know that sometimes you may need a break from my insanity. Sometimes I can be too much for extended periods. I am never offended if you say “I don’t have it in me right now.”  I love and support you enough that you can take a break from me and I will still love you. Regardless of how much I love you, for you to simply decide that because you don’t agree with me, you do not want to even listen to my deep and passionate emotions, tells me I need to invest my time, energy, and love into other places.  

When I consider people friends, it means I care about the people and causes they care about. I may not understand the things you do. I may not agree with your perspective, but I can empathize with your anger, fear, sadness, and rage. mpathize enough to take the time to TRY to understand. I will challenge your beliefs, because I care about you. Its a central need for me to question everything, I ask deep and sometimes dark questions.  I challenge myself to view things differently even when I don’t want to.  We cannot be friends if I can’t hold you to a similar standard.  It hurts to hear that you aren’t interested in me, or my thoughts, feelings, or beliefs. And I don’t believe that real friends feel that way about each other. 

This is about friendship. 

This isn’t even about politics! This is about how people who say they’re a friend, don’t genuinely care about the other person. How people would rather the label and the illusion of friendship than true depth. The label, the illusion of friendship – that’s not friendship that’s acquaintanceship. Don’t tell me in one message that you aren’t interested in what I have to say and in the next tell me that you are still my friend. I would absolutely fight an army by your side, but I will not be guilty by “association” with people who don’t even care. I’m sorry I have to walk away – but you’ve left me no choice.  I can not continue to invest in our friendship, if you won’t