It’s not always easy, but it’s important to speak up and speak your mind.
We must speak up! As we enter both known and unknown territory with our governments and the ever-changing status of our lives and the things happening around us, I’m not sure that staying quiet is an option anymore. (Please know that as individuals we have to do what’s right for ourselves and that sometimes it IS the best option to stay quiet… but know that I’m talking to society as a whole in this post.)
I genuinely feel that before horrible things have happened in our collective past, that there was a large percentage of people who kept their thoughts to themselves. For many reasons – fear, shame, uncertainty, disbelief, understimation… We all hold a responsibility for our future. While the burden should never fall on one person, the truth is that if we all raised our voices at the moment when things didn’t seem quite right, we could prevent a lot of heartache for ourselves and others.
When and How to speak up
Governments, Companies, Systems, and more only have power over people because the collective allows it. And if the majority of us put our foot down… spoke up… and stopped allowing it – things WOULD change. After distractedly scrolling the book of faces this week I saw a post that I felt called to comment on… Tim came into my office as I commented and he asked “Why don’t you just scroll?” And It was difficult to answer this – because I do believe that unless you have a large following – Social media is NOT the space to get involved in… It adds to the noise and overwhelms other people. So many of us are struggling with all of the bad news.
I also believe that in real life we should speak up. The small comments, the microaggressions, and the jokes… all of it seems like small things but they lower our defenses and our ability to stand up and say “That’s not right.” It shapes the way that people see the world. Our Brain is a fabulous thing but every little thing is information that it takes in and puts somewhere – if we don’t say something in the moment, people won’t understand how or why they have crossed a line 5 months later and it leads to a conflict. “Well, you didn’t have a problem when I joked with you about… I thought you were chill.”
Why some people don’t speak up
Feeling nervous to get out there and speak your mind? You aren’t alone – Our brains are hard-wired to go with the flow of other humans. Think about it – 200 years ago our community meant life or death… from predators, the elements, other humans. If our ancestors were exiled from the community years ago… they didn’t make it… which means the most docile and amenable of our ancestors were the people who created future generations (us.)
Why we must speak up now…
History shows us that while our ancestors survived, they were victims of, or bystanders of, the horrible things inflicted on other people. 100 years ago Europe faced the unthinkable… and many people thought that they’d keep their heads down and be quiet and it would all just go away. They were wrong and it took a lot of people to parish to re-create a different world.
250 years ago Americans enslaved other people because of the color of their skin… and they did so with sheer terrorism coupled with the willingness of the general population to look the other way – to helplessly shrug things off, or make comments like “That’s just the way things are.” When the truth is and was, that more people supported the end of slavery than supported the continuation of it. And numbers – don’t mean a damn thing if people don’t hear the crowd’s roar.
So… Speak up!
Call out the behavior that makes you uncomfortable, because while you may feel alone, your brevity will inspire others and soon there will be a lion of support behind you. You don’t have to tell someone they’re wrong – simply challenge them with a question (Pro Tip – be open and willing to hear it when others challenge you on your own behavior.)
“I’m curious as to why you feel that way…”
“I’d love to know how you came to that conclusion.”
“If you could change anything about… what would you change?”
Staying Quiet Costs Us Dearly
The ultimate tragedy is not the oppression and cruelty by the bad people but the silence over that by the good people.” – Martin Luther King jr.
I saw a post from a good friend today talking about all the “places to stay quiet at all costs.”
I looked at this list and couldn’t agree with a single reason to stay quiet.
Number 1. Be silent if you don’t know the full story.
Why? Shouldn’t you be asking questions to better understand the full story? Don’t stay quiet if you don’t know the full story – Get loud and ask questions.
Number 2. Be silent when you feel too emotional.
I don’t agree – Stoicism has infected our public with a lack of compassion… “Keep your emotions to yourself” is not how we heal! When you feel too emotional – SAY SOMETHING “I feel too emotional to speak about this with clarity.” Emotions are powerful and if we keep them bottled up, they eventually explode with violence.
Number 3. Be silent in the heat of anger.
NO! Tell them you’re angry THEN AND THERE… stop waiting till you’re calm and don’t think it’s a big deal to say something. I’m not saying you have to have a full-blown argument and iron all the details out – but “I’m mad and need some time to think.” is a lot better than silence, dismissal and then having it bubble up later.
Number 4. Be silent if your words can offend a person.
In this day and age… our words can offend everyone for different reasons – but we must SPEAK UP! Why? So that those who are offended can challenge us to think differently AND so that we can share our points of view with the goal of a better mutual understanding. Additionally, I think most people would rather know what type of person you truly are than get false platitudes. That’s how we got to where we are… We’ve gotten away from telling people how we feel, what we think, and even the TRUTH about things because we’re afraid it will “offend them.” Well, FUCK that.
As I say in my book, you are the ONLY one responsible for your happiness and no one else is responsible for yours. I want you to be kind, but being kind is not the same as being SILENT… Sometimes the truth fucking hurts but the truth is a hell of a lot kinder than an outright lie or a lie of omission.
If your words can destroy a friendship. I also call bullshit on this one. If words can destroy our friendship, then we aren’t friends. My closest friends I don’t have a reason to say nasty things to them, and vice versa. The things I say are said with love… and if they are not – then “friendship” is not what this is… Again, I want my friends to be honest with me… SPEAK UP and let’s work it out.
Number 5. Be silent if you can’t talk without yelling.
This is the ONLY one I somewhat agree with on this list. There is never a reason to yell AT someone out of anger – Yelling is triggering for people including ourselves – HOWEVER – UGGGHHH If we yelled more, then people would understand what yelling at someone is versus passionate discussion.
Additionally, if you are mad enough to yell, then you most likely haven’t been heard to that point. SO… Yelling has a purpose. (I could go into how we can yell to alert, yell across the house, or yell for any other number of reasons other than anger…. but you all get it and I don’t think I need to go into depth about that.)
Number 6. “Be silent if your silence can save bonds.”
The word Bonds has a few different meanings one is: “a relationship between people or groups based on shared feelings, interests, or experiences.” To that, I say – please see number 5. But it also has a different meaning: “a connection between two surfaces or objects that have been joined together, especially by means of an adhesive substance, heat, or pressure. – Literary: ropes, chains, or other restraints used to restrict someone’s movement or hold something in place.” And to that definition and the idea that you should be silent if your silence can save bonds is ALL THE MORE REASON to speak up and SHOUT. BREAK THE BONDAGE of the things that keep you stuck or the other restraints that are restricting you and holding you in place.
100 years after Hitler took power in Germany and began the systematic genocide of millions of people… We MUST speak up about Politics.
History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce. – Karl Marx
Speak up in other places too
With all of that said, it’s not just politics, human rights, and moral standing we need to discuss… we must also speak up to the people we love and within the relationships we hold dear. Don’t ever stay silent… Silence is the ultimate tragedy!
Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself. – Harvey Fierstein
If you’re struggling to speak up especially in your relationships with others – let’s chat. Communication can get tricky and I’m happy to help with giving you the tools to understand why and how to speak up for yourself. I offer coaching in the mental health space and much of the reasons we struggle to speak up is due to mental health and conditioning from our loved ones. Have a look at my services here: https://stephaniekunkel.com/consulting-services/
Stephanie! I feel like he urgency and truth of this piece.The call to speak up resonates deeply, not just as a reaction to history but as a necessity for shaping the future.
Particularly as a woman, I feel that silence, whether born of fear or habit, has allowed much harm to settle into our DNA. Your point that while speaking up comes with discomfort, it also brings clarity, change, and, often, unexpected solidarity resonates with my soul!
Your insights on social dynamics and the weight of unspoken words are especially powerful. We were just talking about this today in my writing group: Many hesitate to speak out, thinking their voice won’t matter, but, as you point out, it is the collective that shifts the tide. I appreciate your nuance—that sometimes silence is self-preservation, but in the grander sense, truth must be voiced!
Thank you for this call to courage. The world needs more people willing to challenge, question, and speak with conviction.